It's not our fault that we suffer from this disease.  BUT, it is our responsibility to do everything in our power to not succumb to the thoughts filling our mind.  Remember, we are not our thoughts, we are not our wants, we are US...and we are here in this very moment.  Spread awareness with me, help prevent suicide with me...be a good friend to a human being in need.  You never know when you will need that karma to come back around for you. 

I want to apologize for my absence lately.  I have been busy with college and my senior year of baseball has just started in full swing (no pun intended).  I'm going to share some of my baseball stories with you all this year...give you a little peek into the mind of an athlete with depression...I am excited to share the vast range of emotions that come upon me in the course of one season!

Until the next time...keep fighting, keep winning, keep smiling, keep living...

When you have no one else, you have me.

I'll suffer and battle right along side of you.

- J

I have real pain.  Pain that some will never see.  Some pain that would absolutely knock people out of their seats.  Pain that is so deeply hidden underneath layers of what everyone else views as face-value beauty.  My only wish is that one day, I will have someone that I can discuss my pain with, shed my tears, be broken down to nothing, and have her pick me back up...slowly...but surely.  I hope that she will have pain too.  Pain is what makes us human beings, what makes us mortal...it connects us all as individuals.  THERE IS NOT ONE PERSON ON THIS EARTH THAT HAS NOT FELT PAIN IN SOME WAY.  My pain and I have a love/hate relationship.  I love my pain for the man it makes me today, but hate it because of the things it causes me to remember.  I wasn't always a good person, and I have done a lot of things that I'm not proud of.  That being said, I had to live to learn, I had to make bad decisions to realize that they were bad decisions.

I'm not even sure of my intentions of writing tonight.  It's 1am, I have class tomorrow, a huge baseball season coming up that I have been working so hard for...yet...here I am awake and hurting.  All I know is someone out there is feeling pain tonight also...me and you both...we will fight and battle and continue to live through this feeling of pain together.  I do not fear my pain, and neither should you.  Pain is a feeling that makes me feel alive as a human.  Pain brings me back to reality sometimes...and for that I am truly grateful.

You're not alone with your pain out there, you have me....even when you have no one else.

-J

Jay spoke to me this morning.  This is what he told me...I call it "Demons"

Demons

As I close my eyes, I feel the devil staring through me.
What's frightening to most of yall, I view as pure beauty.
He too was once a fallen angel.
Now he's feasting on my brain,
from many different angles.
I'll never fear my thoughts,
wants,
or own inner rebel.
On my good nights I party with the angels.
On my better nights,
I dance with the devil.

- Jay Guerrisi 1/25/12

When you have no one else, you have me....

Sometimes I just sit and think.  Sometimes I think about all the amazing human beings I have encountered throughout the 21 years I have been alive.  Sometimes I think about my past and my future.  I think about my family a lot.  My little sister.  I think about all my brothers that I have accumulated over the years.  I think about all my ex-girlfriends and wonder how they are living right now.  I think about where the heck this little gnat/fly-thing fluttering about my bedroom came from?  All in all my thoughts lead me back to one greater thought...and that is LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL.  I work so hard each and every day to reach moments where my thoughts are still, my heart is full, my mind is awakened, and my third eye is opened...

That's right, you didn't read that incorrectly, I have a third eye.  If you are unfamiliar with this trait that I have been able to unlock, do some google researching...you may be surprised with what you find.

On another note, I often think where this depression comes from.  I could be in a room full of beautiful models who love everything about me...and it'll just come.  Sometimes it's in class when I'm having so much fun educating myself with new information...and it'll just come.  Sometimes it's in the middle of a great workout where I'm giving every bit of heart and soul I have to that weight room...and it'll just come.  I think that's the beauty of it, I have zero say of when it overcomes me.  WHAT I DO HAVE A SAY IN HOWEVER, IS HOW I RESPOND TO IT.  I used to let it cripple me for weeks upon end.  Just sit there and wallow in my own self-pity, lazy as ever, unwilling to do anything with my life.  But I've learned this technique where I just close my eyes...let Jay Guerrisi tell me whatever he wants to...I let it resonate in my mind for a tad...then...I just let it float away.  I'm not sure how many of you know this or not, but thoughts are nothing more than negative or positive energy leaving the body!  That's it...just energy...and we can choose to act upon this energy, or choose to release it.  Just think about that the next time a great thought or terrible thought pops up in your brain.

If you have a moment, please check out my nonprofit organization, Blessed&Appreciative, at www.blessedandappreciative.org.  We are working hard to help underprivileged and at-risk youth reach all of their goals and dreams in life, regardless of race, sexual orientation, income level, family situation, etc.  Our future is in the hands of the children.  We're doing our part to make sure the view is a beautiful one.

I'm a sufferer...but I'm also a fighter and a champion...and YOU ARE TOO!  We will win this battle together...each and everyday.

Just remember, when you have no one else, you have me.

Much love.

-J

Sometimes I get so angry that I want to punch out all my windows, rip the beautiful paintings off my wall, smash my head through the door, kick someone in their mouth, and then drink the blood dripping from my body.

That being said, what good would that do to me to be so destructive to this beautiful world?  So I've found this other thing to destruct and rip apart...my muscles.  They grow bigger and stronger from the destruction....see how I turned a negative into a positive just like that?

I know who I am, I know how twisted my mind can be...my life started turning around when I learned how to use that to my advantage.

I want to end this little post here by saying that I CANNOT WAIT to see my mother and father this afternoon.  They have sacrificed so much for me...one day I'll repay them in ways they can't even imagine.

When you have no one else, you have me...

- J

I'm gonna try something a little different today.  I'm going to tell you all some of my likes in life.  I just want everyone to realize that I'm just a normal run of the mill American male...who happens to have above average goals, dreams, aspirations, and motivation in life.  I fear no man who breaths the same oxygen as I, I do not fear my thoughts...after all they are nothing more than energy leaving the body, and one thing I certainly do not fear is my death.  I've often thought that my death will symbolize something much more than what my life ever did.  I try every single day to touch the heart or mind of at least one human being, because when I die, I want to live on in the heart, mind, body, and soul of anyone I have been blessed with the ability to touch.  That being said, I'd never take my own life...that is a cowards way out.  I am a fighter, a battler, and a champion...taking my own life would mean I lost the war.  And I'll leave you with this....I MAY LOSE A BATTLE, BUT I WILL NEVER LOSE THE WAR!  Neither will you, we fight together...together we will win...every single day.

Remember, when you have no one else, you have me...if anyone feels like they need to reach out to me I can be reached numerous ways...leave your contact information and I'll be sure to get in touch with you.

Now, here's my normal human being stuff...

Favorite musical artists:  Craig David, Frank Ocean, Joe Budden, Fabolous, Drake, Marques Houston, Mario, Earth Wind and Fire, Michael Jackson

Favorite poets:  Jean Guerrisi, William Blake

Favorite though provoking individuals:  Henry David Thoreau, Ralph Marston, my grandfather JR, my father, my mother, my Grammy The Blessed&Appreciative team, Khalil Gibran

Favorite foods:  I love Italian food (of course...look at me), Sushi has grown on me substantially, I truly enjoy trying exotic and exquisite foods from all over the world, nothing is better than a great piece of Pizza however

Favorite movies:  Alpha Dog, Remember the Titans, Up!...I'm actually blanking out right now, maybe that means it's time to go to class!

Until the next time...keep fighting...keep winning...keep smiling...keep living (damn that sounds kinda sick, I just made that up myself)

-J

I apologize for my absence.  My past few days have been full of great friends and amazing family.  I truly cherish all the time that I can spend with my loved ones.  You never know when it could be the last...you just never know.  I've been talking to Jay the past few days, reminding him that I am in control not him.  I am not my thoughts, I am not my wants, I am not my material possessions, I am Jordan.  We've been preparing for the upcoming semester that I am about to embark on, a semester that includes my final season of baseball.

I consider it a huge honor to have the opportunity to be a college athlete.  I have never been this prepared mentally or physically for a baseball season in my life.  It wasn't easy though...I made multiple sacrifices...lost a few friends...told a few young ladies to back off...I'm just listening to the voice of my inner soul!

When I started listening to my own inner being, that's when my life started to change...somehow, it already knows exactly what you are supposed to be doing.  Your conscience speaks to you on a daily basis...it's your decision whether to listen to it or not.  I'd be willing to bet that a lot of my suffering and pain came from my inability to listen to my own heart and my own mind...from listening to other human beings opinions for my own path of life...allowing others to make decisions for myself.  If you haven't tried it before, I recommend giving yourself 24 hours of doing exactly what YOU want/need to do.  24 hours of accomplishing YOUR goals...no one else's...not your girlfriend or boyfriend's, not your parent's, not your sibling's, not your best friend's...give your inner voice a chance to show you exactly what it has been trying to tell you for the longest time.

Today is a special day because it celebrates the late Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.  Dr. King was an iconic difference maker, he risked his life on a daily basis to FIGHT for his beliefs and values...Dr. King was much more like a lion then the pussycat that History books like to describe him as.

The reason I bring that up is sometimes in order to accomplish something greater than yourself, YOU MUST FIGHT.  You must risk your life on a daily basis, take on all challengers, and most importantly  you must WIN.  You have two choices in life; you can WIN or you can WHINE...which one will you choose? 

I am a sufferer...yet I am a fighter and a champion...and so are you.

We battled through another weekend and we live to see another week...what beauty will you find in the upcoming days?  Where will you find peace in the next 48 hours?  I'm excited to see what life has in store for Jordan and Jay this upcoming week.

I'm excited to live.

Remember,
When you have no one else, you have me...

-J

I apologize for my absence yesterday, I had a busy day preparing for my next Blessed&Appreciative event.  You can find out all the information your heart desires on our website at www.blessedandappreciative.org.  Blessed&Appreciative has changed my life.  It's brought me numerous moments where I find myself in tears of joy.  I truly feel like I am doing my part as a human being to make this world a better place, to leave my mark, to make Jordan's impact felt.  I am surrounded by an amazing team of men; various shapes, ages, colors, backgrounds, and talents.  The beautiful part of it is that our goal is all the same, to help others.  It's now Saturday afternoon.  This morning I had the opportunity to host a basketball/football clinic for 50 boys and girls ages 7-12 in my city of Harrisburg.  I found great joy and peace in seeing the smiles on all these kids interacting with each other, while looking to me for guidance and support as a role model.  Some of these kids even were calling me Tim Tebow!  Maybe it's my ugly mug that they found resemblance, maybe my muscles, maybe my hair, who knows?!  While others may have simply disregarded that comment from the 8 year olds, I took it to heart.  Maybe they felt my caring heart, maybe they felt my presence as a young man who truly saw all the goals and dreams oozing out of these kids' pores.  Kids are so special because they are human beings in their purest form.  No boundaries; with a kid it is what you see is what you get!  At the end of the day I found myself sad however...sad that I will never be able to do more for these troubled young individuals.  A lot of their problems start with their parents, who really do not care.  A lot of these parents just saw this Saturday morning as an opportunity for someone else to watch their little rascal for a few hours...I wonder if some of those parents even asked their kids if they enjoyed the camp?  Or if they learned anything new?  Or if they made new friends?...regardless of the fact, I know that I did my part, MY WHOLE BLESSED&APPRECIATIVE TEAM DID THEIR PART, to hopefully make the city of Harrisburg a better place.

I  learned two things today:

1) Don't ever take great parenting for granted.  Great parents are the reason that some of us have the life opportunities that we do now.  I love my parents from the bottom of my heart.  I would absolutely take a bullet for either of my parents without thinking twice.  I think they are the most amazing people on the face of this earth.  I'd say that whether I was related to them or not.  Maybe some of you out there can find happiness in telling your parents that you love them today...maybe just a hug...maybe just kiss your mother...who knows what kind of peace will find your heart if you do one of those things....

2) No matter how bad you think you have it, there is always someone out there who has it worse.  I count my blessings every single day that I am alive.  It's an blessing to be woken up by the grace of god every morning; to take in new experiences and to have the privilege to grow as a human being for those 24 hours.  There are people out there without arms or legs, people out there without eyes to see, people out there without ears to listen, people out there who have brain damage that will never be able to feel love again.  We will fight along side of those people.  Those people are our brothers and sisters.  They feel pain also, some in a much much worse way.

Take this weekend to reflect on life...think of an old memory that makes you smile.  Share a moment with an old friend or a relative that wouldn't normally reach out to.  You never know where happiness awaits you...

I'll never give up.  Neither will you.  We will fight this battle together.  AND WIN.

When you have no one else, just remember, you have me.

-J

We won.  Be proud of your efforts, tomorrow brings on a whole new set of challenges; and we will combat them together.

When you have no one else, you have me.

-J

How depression is brought on is by an imbalance of chemicals in one's brain. The body and mind is connected in so many ways, more than we can ever imagine. I guess it's only natural for me to think back to all the things I used to put into my body...all the chemicals that caused me temporary happiness, temporary feelings of relief. A temporary escape from the thoughts that I was too weak to face head on. I remember a specific time that I looked in the mirror. This was during my time that I lived and attended college in New Jersey. I looked in the mirror and hated what I saw, so I did everything in my power to change that. I cut hair every single day, I shaved my face every single day, I tweezed my eyebrows every single day, I had a ridiculous six pack, my muscles were ridiculous, I was nice and tan...but really all that was a mask. A mask for what rested behind that my eyes, the confusion and thoughts that just chilled in my brain on a daily basis. I was UNBELIEVABLE at acting, putting on this front to make it seem like I am this happy-go-lucky beautiful Italian man just partying his way through life.

But that's all it was, just an act. Deep down in I knew that everything I was doing was morally wrong. My parents didn't raise me to be the individual that I was portraying myself as. I was ashamed of who I was....

So, one day, I had enough. One day I decided to stop letting the opinions of others stop drowning out my own inner voice. I decided to be Jordan, as genuine and as true as I could be. Regardless of the friends I would lose, the girls that would stop presenting themselves to me, the changes I knew I would have to make in order to find happiness.

So there it is, I began a journey....happiness is exactly that, it's not a destination, it's a journey. This is a path that we must walk down every single day until we can no longer walk. Then we will wheelchair, crutch, crawl, whatever we must to do continue on. WE WILL FIGHT AND WE WILL WIN. ENDING IT ALL IS NOTHING MORE THAN A COWARDLY WAY OUT OF THIS BATTLE...

Muhammad Ali once said, "suffer now, and forever be a champion"...so...do you have what it takes to be a champion? Remember, you are not your thoughts, you are not your wants, you are not your material possessions, YOU are YOU. You are your soul, your desires, your passions, your genuine authenticity.

If you have no one else, you better know damn well that you have me...because I fight this battle with you...and I will win this battle with you.

Much love.

-J

Getting out of bed was somewhat of a struggle today.  Jay really is fighting hard these past few days; I can't even be mad at him though, he's testing me.  We're all being tested.  We have been chosen to suffer...actually suffer isn't the right word...we have been chosen to have this disease be a part of our everyday life.  We are chosen because we are strong and because someone somewhere out there knows that we can handle the ups and downs associated with depression.  My goal for all of you out there today is to have a staring contest with the mirror, AND WIN.  That may go over some of your heads, but some of you will be impacted by that daily challenge in the same way that I am.  I love you all...don't give up...I'll fight with you...we will fight together.

Just remember,
When you have no one else, you have me.

-J

Today, we won.  Give yourself a hug, pat on the back, eat some ice cream, whatever you feel necessary to celebrate.  Because we live to fight another day...and fight we will.

-J

I feel your agony.  I feel your pain.  I hear your shouts for help, your shouts for compassion.  I feel it all.  I feel like laying in my bed, closing my eyes, and never waking up.  But that would mean we lost the battle...that would mean the monster inside has won...and I'll tell you one thing.  I WILL NOT LOSE.  I WILL NEVER LOSE, WE WILL NEVER LOSE.  WE CAN DEFEAT THIS.

I know there is someone out there thinking that this is all some sick joke, this is some fake bullshit that Jordan is doing for attention.  No, this is real...this is a real disease that millions of people live with everyday.  I am just choosing to make my battle public, in hopes of saving someones life out there.  Someone that was thinking of quitting and giving up, like I once was, and we are going to fight and battle together.  WE WILL WIN, NO IFS ANDS OR BUTS.

When you have no one else, you have me.

-J

Jay has been trying all day to talk to me, he's been trying to win this battle today.  I won't lie, he won for an hour or two.  But here's where I make my stand, here is where WE make our stand today everybody.  I am not my thoughts, I am not my material possessions, I am not my wants.  I am Jordan.

Remember...
When you have no one else, you have me.

-J

Today, I feel compelled to share some facts on depression for those of you out there who are looking to educate yourself some more:

Depression affects about 19 million people in the United States every year.

Nearly half of all college students say they have felt so depressed that they found it difficult to function during the last school year.

Depression may be expressed through various ways including: drug or alcohol abuse; sexual promiscuity; or hostile, aggressive, and risk-taking behavior.

*these sentences were retrieved from the website www.ulifeline.org*

I have expressed my depression in many dangerous ways...I've had relations with some young ladies that were questionable. (I'm blessed to have not contracted an STI up to this point in my life; I make it a point to get myself tested at least twice a year AND SO SHOULD YOU!) I've used mind-altering substances to run away from my thoughts and fears. I've been the "life of the party" for a majority of my time in college; but for what? Is it cool to be that intoxicated to the point that I have zero control over my actions? Is it cool to disrespect young ladies and other young men who were just trying to be my friends? Is it cool to have all eyes on you, feeding off this craving need for attention and love? The answers to all those questions is no, it's not cool. In fact, it's immature and embarrassing when I look back upon it. I don't want to be "cool", I want to be Jordan. I'm now learning ways to turn these cravings and addictions into positives in my life, using my need for attention and "all eyes on me" to spread my word and to educate my peers on topics they may not want to discuss.

I'm sure some of you reading this can relate to that previous paragraph. Don't regret your past however...your past is what led you to this beautiful point in your life and is what makes you the colorful beautiful human being that you are.

Through modern technology, I have been blessed with the platform to share my story. My intention is to help some young man or woman (heck even an older man or woman who may be touched by this) that is/was suffering from depression alone or in silence. You are not alone. Remember, when you have no one else, you have me. We will combat this disease together. I promise to never give up on my life if you promise to never give up on yours. Make me that promise today. Actually no, don't make ME any promise, make YOURSELF that promise...your life is too beautiful to end.

If you have a moment today, check out www.blessedandappreciative.org
It may change your life.

-J

I guess I should begin where I all began...I was born on August 4th, 1990 to two beautiful parents at the Harrisburg Hospital in PA. I'm not going to bore you with my whole life story, if you are really interested in knowing something, don't hesitate to ask. Along with my two loving parents, I also have an 18 year old sister, she is my queen. I absolutely adore her, respect her strength and courage in life, and have unconditional love for her. I have been truly blessed with an unbelievable family that supports me through all my ups and downs.

It took me a little bit of time to tell them the suffering I was going through inside my own mind. I knew they really wouldn't understand, after all, how do you explain something that can't even be put into words? How do you explain the voices in your head? How do you explain the alter egos that may come over you every single day? It's not like I'm sad all the time. It's not like I'm looking for pity or for you to feel sad for me. My goal in this is to reach just ONE PERSON. If I can change the life for one person, make one person feel more comfortable with their disease, or make just one friend, my goal here is complete.

THE ONE THING I AM NOT LOOKING FOR IS SORROW, REMORSE, OR PITY FOR ME OR ANYONE HERE. I have reached a point in my life that I am comfortable speaking and talking about depression and the effects it has had on me. One day, you will reach that point too. I have been blessed with this disease; it truly has been both a blessing and a curse at the exact same time. I cannot begin to explain the moments where both of those feelings have set upon me over the past 3 years. Moments where I feel like I am the absolute king of this world...but also moments where I feel like I'm the biggest piece of shit that has ever walked the face of the earth.

I honestly can't even remember a specific time or place my depression started (maybe a period of really bad breakups, struggles in sports, growing pains, some traumatic life events, and probably  few too many mind-altering substances caused it to set in) I just know it's there. I know it's there when the voice inside my head (who I have named Jay Guerrisi) speaks to me on a day to day basis. Call me crazy, call me insane, call me "DEPRESSED", whatever you want to call me. It's not like I haven't heard it all before. I am Jordan Joseph Wright, plain and simple. Take it or leave it. This depression does not define me, my thoughts do not define me, my material items do not define me. My heart defines me, my soul defines me, my burning internal flame defines me. I feel genuine love for all of you out there who feel what I feel on a day to day basis. BUT JUST REMEMBER, EVERYONE HAS THEIR OWN STRUGGLES THAT THEY ARE HIDING.  THERE ARE MANY PEOPLE MUCH WORSE OFF THEN WE ARE!!!!!!!!!!

I was medicated for 3 years. I took Citalopram for a few months, which is generic Celexa, and I have also taken Cymbalta for the majority of my time. However, I am no longer medicated, the side effects that it had on my body far outweighed the positives it was doing for me. Yes, I no, I am extremely lucky to have had the transition off medication that I did; I know others are not as blessed as I am. As of today, January 10th, I take 900mg of Fish Oil daily to help my mental stability and to improve my brain functions.

Some of you probably think I'm a lunatic at this point, just the way I like it :)

I don't think I am better than anyone, in fact, I often feel inferior far more times than I really should. There are a lot of bad people in this world. Sometimes I feel like I too was a bad person once. However, now I like to think that I have one of the biggest hearts that can be found anywhere, it's often my downfall. I sometimes care so much that it destroys everything I am trying to create in my life.

I could sit here and ramble on and on and on and on for as long as I want, I have so much I'd like to say. I'm not going to bore you with any more of my life story. I'm going to ask you just a few things before I leave to shower and eat. (I lifted my ASS off today! Baseball season is just a few days away.) ONE: Please take a few minutes to visit the website of the nonprofit organization that I help run and am the secretary for ----> www.blessedandappreciative.org <------ any support is greatly appreciated. TWO: Don't be afraid to ask me anything, whether that be in person if you do know me, or on this blog. THREE: Spread the word, help break the silence, help save a life. Depression is a dangerous disease and I genuinely do not want anyone to suffer alone. I suffer with you; we can combat and control this disease together.

Last but not least....
When you have no one else, remember, you have me.
WE WILL COMBAT THIS DISEASE TOGETHER.

-J