I have been taking a break from this whole blogging thing.  My mind and energy has been focused on my senior year of baseball (which is currently taking place), my organization Blessed&Appreciative (you can find us @ blessedandappreciative.org), and my duties at my job.  I would like to share with you all words that materialized in my mind today, during an internal battle.  Maybe some of you can relate and find strength in knowing you aren't alone in your thoughts and battles.  You have me right along side of you everyday.  I call this The Feelings of Today; enjoy.

Blessed with the heart of a lion, but the soul of a demon.

Exterior beauty mutes what the internal voice is screamin’.

How does one recover from the loss of what was viewed as the best ever?

Your dreams of the future change from someday, to a dark never.

Mirrors hate me, cameras love me.

My voice brings sounds of hope, yet thoughts in my mind are so ugly.

I welcome pre-judgmental humans to notice me and form an opinion.

What they see on the outside compares nothing to the internal dream that I’m livin’.

- J. 2/12

I welcome your constructive criticism or comments regarding my expression.  Don't forget, when you have no one else, you have me...keep fighting and keep winning.

-J

I  haven't been able to write in a while...my priorities and duties have increased since the semester has started.  Here I am on the eve of my first college baseball game of the season.  My last first game ever if I may go that route.  I can't begin to describe the emotions and thoughts that are running through my mind.  Baseball is truly one of my passions and loves in life...I've met SO many amazing human beings through the sport, have made some unbelievable memories, and also have been humbled so much as a man.  I feel as though another force takes over me when I'm on that field...I get into a completely different mind frame, and personality.  I'm a vicious creature on the ball field (maybe more suited for football) and I love it. 

I think that's one of the blessings of depression or any mental illness; the ability to use those thoughts or voices in your head to your benefit.  To motivate yourself in ways that individuals without mental illnesses are even aware of.  Having depression has taught me the ability to tap into channels and portals in my mind that I would have never known existed previously.  Maybe someone out there can relate to me on that point?...I know I'm not the only one who has learned to control that voice inside the mind (heck maybe I am the only crazy person that has who knows).

My view on life and on my illness started turning one day when I was sitting on the beach in the summer of 2011....I was "awakened" and my "third eye" as I like to call it was opened.  The mind is a dangerous yet beautiful weapon...and I'm forever grateful that mine is as open as it is.  I owe thanks to my parents and every single member of my family for that!

One day, people like us are going to change the world.  Maybe not myself or my generation, maybe my great grandchildren will do it...but it's going to take individuals with an open mind, the ability to feel genuine pain, the ability to keep going to war day in and day out (whatever your "war" may be), the ability to DREAM, and most importantly the ability to LIVE  YOUR DREAMS.

Life is beautiful...take a moment to step back, and truly feel the wonder and amazement on a daily basis.  Most importantly, keep going to war.  Even if you lose the battle, DO NOT LOSE THE WAR!

I will leave you with a quote I would like to share.....

"I may not win, I may not lose, but I will not be defeated"

Don't allow yourself to be defeated; and remember...

When you have no one else, you have me.

-J