I have been taking a break from this whole blogging thing.  My mind and energy has been focused on my senior year of baseball (which is currently taking place), my organization Blessed&Appreciative (you can find us @ blessedandappreciative.org), and my duties at my job.  I would like to share with you all words that materialized in my mind today, during an internal battle.  Maybe some of you can relate and find strength in knowing you aren't alone in your thoughts and battles.  You have me right along side of you everyday.  I call this The Feelings of Today; enjoy.

Blessed with the heart of a lion, but the soul of a demon.

Exterior beauty mutes what the internal voice is screamin’.

How does one recover from the loss of what was viewed as the best ever?

Your dreams of the future change from someday, to a dark never.

Mirrors hate me, cameras love me.

My voice brings sounds of hope, yet thoughts in my mind are so ugly.

I welcome pre-judgmental humans to notice me and form an opinion.

What they see on the outside compares nothing to the internal dream that I’m livin’.

- J. 2/12

I welcome your constructive criticism or comments regarding my expression.  Don't forget, when you have no one else, you have me...keep fighting and keep winning.

-J

I  haven't been able to write in a while...my priorities and duties have increased since the semester has started.  Here I am on the eve of my first college baseball game of the season.  My last first game ever if I may go that route.  I can't begin to describe the emotions and thoughts that are running through my mind.  Baseball is truly one of my passions and loves in life...I've met SO many amazing human beings through the sport, have made some unbelievable memories, and also have been humbled so much as a man.  I feel as though another force takes over me when I'm on that field...I get into a completely different mind frame, and personality.  I'm a vicious creature on the ball field (maybe more suited for football) and I love it. 

I think that's one of the blessings of depression or any mental illness; the ability to use those thoughts or voices in your head to your benefit.  To motivate yourself in ways that individuals without mental illnesses are even aware of.  Having depression has taught me the ability to tap into channels and portals in my mind that I would have never known existed previously.  Maybe someone out there can relate to me on that point?...I know I'm not the only one who has learned to control that voice inside the mind (heck maybe I am the only crazy person that has who knows).

My view on life and on my illness started turning one day when I was sitting on the beach in the summer of 2011....I was "awakened" and my "third eye" as I like to call it was opened.  The mind is a dangerous yet beautiful weapon...and I'm forever grateful that mine is as open as it is.  I owe thanks to my parents and every single member of my family for that!

One day, people like us are going to change the world.  Maybe not myself or my generation, maybe my great grandchildren will do it...but it's going to take individuals with an open mind, the ability to feel genuine pain, the ability to keep going to war day in and day out (whatever your "war" may be), the ability to DREAM, and most importantly the ability to LIVE  YOUR DREAMS.

Life is beautiful...take a moment to step back, and truly feel the wonder and amazement on a daily basis.  Most importantly, keep going to war.  Even if you lose the battle, DO NOT LOSE THE WAR!

I will leave you with a quote I would like to share.....

"I may not win, I may not lose, but I will not be defeated"

Don't allow yourself to be defeated; and remember...

When you have no one else, you have me.

-J

It's not our fault that we suffer from this disease.  BUT, it is our responsibility to do everything in our power to not succumb to the thoughts filling our mind.  Remember, we are not our thoughts, we are not our wants, we are US...and we are here in this very moment.  Spread awareness with me, help prevent suicide with me...be a good friend to a human being in need.  You never know when you will need that karma to come back around for you. 

I want to apologize for my absence lately.  I have been busy with college and my senior year of baseball has just started in full swing (no pun intended).  I'm going to share some of my baseball stories with you all this year...give you a little peek into the mind of an athlete with depression...I am excited to share the vast range of emotions that come upon me in the course of one season!

Until the next time...keep fighting, keep winning, keep smiling, keep living...

When you have no one else, you have me.

I'll suffer and battle right along side of you.

- J

I have real pain.  Pain that some will never see.  Some pain that would absolutely knock people out of their seats.  Pain that is so deeply hidden underneath layers of what everyone else views as face-value beauty.  My only wish is that one day, I will have someone that I can discuss my pain with, shed my tears, be broken down to nothing, and have her pick me back up...slowly...but surely.  I hope that she will have pain too.  Pain is what makes us human beings, what makes us mortal...it connects us all as individuals.  THERE IS NOT ONE PERSON ON THIS EARTH THAT HAS NOT FELT PAIN IN SOME WAY.  My pain and I have a love/hate relationship.  I love my pain for the man it makes me today, but hate it because of the things it causes me to remember.  I wasn't always a good person, and I have done a lot of things that I'm not proud of.  That being said, I had to live to learn, I had to make bad decisions to realize that they were bad decisions.

I'm not even sure of my intentions of writing tonight.  It's 1am, I have class tomorrow, a huge baseball season coming up that I have been working so hard for...yet...here I am awake and hurting.  All I know is someone out there is feeling pain tonight also...me and you both...we will fight and battle and continue to live through this feeling of pain together.  I do not fear my pain, and neither should you.  Pain is a feeling that makes me feel alive as a human.  Pain brings me back to reality sometimes...and for that I am truly grateful.

You're not alone with your pain out there, you have me....even when you have no one else.

-J

Jay spoke to me this morning.  This is what he told me...I call it "Demons"

Demons

As I close my eyes, I feel the devil staring through me.
What's frightening to most of yall, I view as pure beauty.
He too was once a fallen angel.
Now he's feasting on my brain,
from many different angles.
I'll never fear my thoughts,
wants,
or own inner rebel.
On my good nights I party with the angels.
On my better nights,
I dance with the devil.

- Jay Guerrisi 1/25/12

When you have no one else, you have me....

Sometimes I just sit and think.  Sometimes I think about all the amazing human beings I have encountered throughout the 21 years I have been alive.  Sometimes I think about my past and my future.  I think about my family a lot.  My little sister.  I think about all my brothers that I have accumulated over the years.  I think about all my ex-girlfriends and wonder how they are living right now.  I think about where the heck this little gnat/fly-thing fluttering about my bedroom came from?  All in all my thoughts lead me back to one greater thought...and that is LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL.  I work so hard each and every day to reach moments where my thoughts are still, my heart is full, my mind is awakened, and my third eye is opened...

That's right, you didn't read that incorrectly, I have a third eye.  If you are unfamiliar with this trait that I have been able to unlock, do some google researching...you may be surprised with what you find.

On another note, I often think where this depression comes from.  I could be in a room full of beautiful models who love everything about me...and it'll just come.  Sometimes it's in class when I'm having so much fun educating myself with new information...and it'll just come.  Sometimes it's in the middle of a great workout where I'm giving every bit of heart and soul I have to that weight room...and it'll just come.  I think that's the beauty of it, I have zero say of when it overcomes me.  WHAT I DO HAVE A SAY IN HOWEVER, IS HOW I RESPOND TO IT.  I used to let it cripple me for weeks upon end.  Just sit there and wallow in my own self-pity, lazy as ever, unwilling to do anything with my life.  But I've learned this technique where I just close my eyes...let Jay Guerrisi tell me whatever he wants to...I let it resonate in my mind for a tad...then...I just let it float away.  I'm not sure how many of you know this or not, but thoughts are nothing more than negative or positive energy leaving the body!  That's it...just energy...and we can choose to act upon this energy, or choose to release it.  Just think about that the next time a great thought or terrible thought pops up in your brain.

If you have a moment, please check out my nonprofit organization, Blessed&Appreciative, at www.blessedandappreciative.org.  We are working hard to help underprivileged and at-risk youth reach all of their goals and dreams in life, regardless of race, sexual orientation, income level, family situation, etc.  Our future is in the hands of the children.  We're doing our part to make sure the view is a beautiful one.

I'm a sufferer...but I'm also a fighter and a champion...and YOU ARE TOO!  We will win this battle together...each and everyday.

Just remember, when you have no one else, you have me.

Much love.

-J

Sometimes I get so angry that I want to punch out all my windows, rip the beautiful paintings off my wall, smash my head through the door, kick someone in their mouth, and then drink the blood dripping from my body.

That being said, what good would that do to me to be so destructive to this beautiful world?  So I've found this other thing to destruct and rip apart...my muscles.  They grow bigger and stronger from the destruction....see how I turned a negative into a positive just like that?

I know who I am, I know how twisted my mind can be...my life started turning around when I learned how to use that to my advantage.

I want to end this little post here by saying that I CANNOT WAIT to see my mother and father this afternoon.  They have sacrificed so much for me...one day I'll repay them in ways they can't even imagine.

When you have no one else, you have me...

- J